


You're Insecure, Don't Know What For

by CaitClandestine



Category: Bring Me The Horizon
Genre: Gen, It's kind of Oli/Lee, M/M, but they're not exactly together
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-14
Updated: 2015-02-14
Packaged: 2018-03-12 10:04:01
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,828
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3352541
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CaitClandestine/pseuds/CaitClandestine
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Oli is incapable of asking Lee to cuddle with him after the Shadow Moses shoot. He's also terrible at apologising.</p>
            </blockquote>





	You're Insecure, Don't Know What For

**Author's Note:**

> Technically my first completed story for the BMTH fandom, so I hope I did the guys justice :)
> 
> This was supposed to a simple oneshot that ended with platonic best friend cuddles but clearly everything snowballed out of my control very quickly and I decided to end it where I did before I got myself into even more trouble.
> 
> Sorrynotsorry for the 1D references.

Objectively, Oli likes making music videos. They're fun and it's another way for him to show his creativity, another way to represent themselves and their music and he likes designing them, likes picking the songs and all wonderful stupid shit that usually happens both on camera and off-screen. 

Right now though they're on a German ferry at ass-o'clock in the morning in the middle of winter and even though they're wearing as much clothing as humanly possible he still can't feel his toes and Oli's stuck wondering just who's brilliant bloody idea the whole outside in the snow by the sea concept for Shadow Moses belongs to.

Oh that's right, it was all his idea. 

They're mostly quiet as they all sit huddled together and like, they're going to a tiny little unpopulated island so it's quite a shitty ferry because there's nowhere to escape from the freezing wind and sleet that's sweeping the deck and no one looks more miserable than Lee, who's jammed in-between Matt and Jordan, the only part of his face visible being his bright blue eyes sandwiched between a pulled-low beanie and scarf around his face. 

As they approach the tiny piece of land with a complicated name that had gone in one ear and out the other the very first time he'd heard it Sheep's rounding up their crew and the assortment of video people and organising equipment to make a hopefully seamless transition from ferry cargo to the trailer attached to the tiny little grey hire van they've booked waiting for them at the docks.

“My fucking balls man” Matt complains at they start to disembark, cupping his crotch. “I think they've been sucked back inside”

Vegan cackles with laughter, white clouds of breath forming because if the ferry had been cold the completely flat and exposed dock is ten times worse. It has to be below zero.

The vans heating is broken of course, but since they have sixteen people to put in something designed for twelve its not really an issue, Oli finding himself practically sitting on Matt's lap, head nearly touching the ceiling. The radio does inexplicably work so they crank it, trying to sing along with what's probably the most offensively stereotypical German accents ever and all the German they really know is how to swear like sailors. The few German speakers in their little group seem to find it amusing more than anything else.

There's nothing to do but sit around and watch everything being set up at the rocky outcrop of beach they've decided on, the scent of salt thick and cloying even against the speed of the wind and when the producer decides the requisite girl they've got should unzip her coat to walk along the sand Oli thinks she might be going to cry. They're paying her well though, and since she'll get to leave well before the they do and get back to the warmth of humanity it's not really an issue, especially since Matt so kindly offers to toss her into the waves for a 'dramatic effect'.

He definitely can't feel his toes.

Eventually the concept pieces are filmed and they do have to remove themselves from the tiny bit of warm air inside the van, stumbling out into the cold and Oli wraps his arms around himself, teeth chattering.

Usually he doesn't make too much of an effort to sing in videos, since the songs going over it anyway but this time he does, hollering in the mic in an attempt to warm himself up a bit, all of them hopping from foot to foot the minute they're off camera, trying to keep warm. 

Sheep helpfully informs them it's a cosy minus eight.

“Do you think if I licked my cymbal me tongue'd get stuck?” Matt questions, twirling his drumsticks in between his fingers.

“We haven't got any warm water” Jordan inputs wisely, “We'd have to leave you behind”

“Or rip your tongue off” Vegan snickers, “Or” he continues, huge grin playing across his face, “we could probably get Oli to piss on yer”

Matt's tongue remains safely in his mouth, and Oli fleetingly wonders if he did have to piss if it would like, freeze the moment it came out. He doesn't really want to personally know but he might Google it once they get back to the mainland and an internet connection.

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

If the beach was cold the snowy clearing they're doing the other half of the video in is ten time worse. The wind whistles through the trees and snow threatens to fall at any minute. No to mention the snow already on the ground is at least mid ankle. 

Lee carries his guitar around, clinging to it like one of them might try to take it from him, use it to light a fire and Oli would be lying if the idea hadn't crossed his mind. 

He doesn't sing so much this time, mostly because everytime he opens his mouth all his spit freezes and he doesn't want to fuck up his voice for the few remaining shows they have before heading back to the UK, the wind sucking all the air out his lungs anyway. He throws himself around two-fold, tripping over his own feet and landing on his knees and just going with it, ignores how the lack of feeling has spread and it's like he's walking on a numb kind of cloud, staggering about in way that will probably look brilliant for the purpose of the video.

They get it done in two takes, their producer forgoing yelling cut and just giving them a thumbs up and Sheep looks relieved as he starts rounding them up, getting them out of the way so load in can happen as quickly as possible.

“It's now minus ten” He informs them cheerfully, “Go and put your fucking clothes back on before I have to fill out paperwork about how my employers froze to death”

They'd had to take off their topmost layer of bulky jackets to film, they couldn't move around in them and collectively they're god awfully ugly, picked up late last might at some weird German camping store.

He's so, so cold that he ends up trailing behind the others, dragging his feet through the path they've made, breathing onto his fingers, trying to keep them from turning bluer than they already are. He should've followed Matt's lead with the gloves even if the ones he'd tried on at the store had made his hands look stupid.

Lee's in front of him, tiny figure hunched forward and by the time they get to the van Jordan’s dutifully handing back their jackets and Oli's shivering so badly he can hardly get it on, let alone get the two halves of the zip together. 

“Dude” Vegan says, coming over and wordlessly pushing his hands away and doing it for him, patting his shoulder when he's done. “You're fucking freezing”

“No shit” Oli gets out, teeth chatting worse than before and his jacket isn't warm enough, he's still cold to the bone and he looks pleadingly at his band mates.

“Look at meh” He whines pitifully, “All of you have hoodies under your jackets and i've got fuck all”

“You should've thought about that” Matt says, “I ain't sharing”

“Me neither” Vegan announces and Oli turns to Jordan, who's generally a soft touch but who this time just shrugs at him.

“Sorry man, we're all fucking cold”

His last hope is Lee.

“Leeeeee” He draws his friends name out, tries to make his eyes all big and round even though they might just freeze that way. “My best friend in the whole wide world”

“Nope” Lee says, doing up the last button his very warm, very cosy looking jacket. Oli knows for a fact that Lee has a long sleeved shirt, jumper and hoodie underneath it. 

“Please?” 

He's not above begging at this point. 

“Get in the van” Lee says exasperatedly, “It'll be warmer in there”

It will fucking not, Oli knows this.

“But you don't need all those layers” He pleads,“I'm all bones and you've got like, all that extra padding”

The second the words leave his mouth Oli wants to take them back, the snow and the cold must've started eating away his brain, robbing him of what little intelligence he has and the hurt look on Lee's face says it all. They all know how sore a spot Lee's weight is and it doesn't matter to them at all, because Lee is Lee and he's theirs, Oli's best fucking mate and he's seen how the hate gets to him sometimes, how Lee won't eat for days and how he stares at himself in the bathroom mirror when he thinks Oli's asleep in the middle of the night. 

Maybe the fans were right about Oli himself though, maybe he is just a massive wanking asshole.

“Lee” He starts, a litany of apologies on his lips but Lee holds up a gloved hand, pushing him into an abrupt sort of silence and the rest of the band just watches on, Matt glaring at him in way that means the second they're alone he's in for an earful.

Slowly, Lee unbuttons his coat.

“Lee, no - “ Matt starts, but Lee growls at him, honest to god growls voice low and threatening. 

“Shut the fuck up”

“Put your damn coat back on” Vegan snaps, “Oli's just being a cockhead and he's knows it, doesn't he?”

Vegan glares at him, and Oli nods emphatically.

“I didn't mean it like that, you know I didn't” He says, and then lowers his voice a little. “You know I wouldn't do that to you”

“Sure you didn't” Lee says, pulling his arms out of the sleeves and turning them right way round it before he throws it roughly at Oli's chest. 

Lee gets angry so rarely that none of them are entirely sure what to do, just stand there watching as he clambers into the back seat of the van and slides himself across to the other side, crosses his arms over his chest and pulls out his phone.

Matt grabs him back the of his coat and pulls him away from the van, away from the crew enough so that no one will hear.

“Did you have to be such a cunt?” He says angrily, “Especially to Lee of all people”

“I didn't mean it!” Oli protests, “It just slipped out!”

“I'm not skin and bones like you either” Matt barks, “But you know what, i'm still fucking freezing ”

“I'm sorry” Oli says, aware of how pathetic he sounds. “I was just cold and wanted him to share with me like we used to”

Back before they hit it big Oli could forever be found next to Lee during winter in their shitty little tour van, cuddled up together in the back watching crappy horror movies. These days, after everything they've been through both individually and as a band it doesn't happen much any more, and maybe, maybe Oli didn't realise how much he'd missed it until this moment.

Matt sighs loudly, rubs a hand over his face.

“God forbid you might express yourself like a normal person” He says, and Oli hangs his head.

“I know” He mumbles quietly, “Can I go and apologise now?”

All he wants to do is make it up to Lee, say he's sorry and that's an asshole and tell him he's gorgeous, beautiful just the way he is, offer to let Lee hit him if he wants, be his bitch for a week and polish every single one of his guitars until they're spotless and shiny.

“Wait until we get back” Matt says, “You know how much Lee hates making a scene”

Oli would argue, but yeah, he's got a penchant for being dramatic, could possibly end up throwing himself at Lee's feet or something.

He very quietly follows Matt back to the van, pointedly ignoring Lee's jacket thrown across the middle seat as he climbs in next to an unimpressed looking Jordan. 

The trip back to the ferry dock is distinctly less fun than the trip from it, the tension between him and Lee drawing everyone into an awkward, stilted silence even though Lee hasn't said anything, has barely looked up from his phone and if he does it's to look out the window, eyes vacant – Oli knows this because he can see past Vegan's head to the rearview mirror and he doesn't expect it to hurt him as much as it does. Lee's upset because of him. Lee who's been there for him through everything, trading off with Tom to keep an eye over him so his brother could catch a few precious hours of sleep when he was at his worst.

They board the ferry in mostly silence as well, just the crew talking amongst themselves and Matt and Vegan herd Lee away from him to the front of the boat, leaving him with Jordan.

“Don't say it” Oli says miserably, “I know I fucked up”

Jordan sits down on one of the icy benches and pats the seat next to him.

“I'm rooming with Lee in three-seventeen, but I might go to Matt's to watch the Manchester game” He says, digging through his pockets and pulling out a hotel keycard. “You can hold onto this for me”

Jordan is good people.

“Thanks” Oli whispers, grateful that Jordan's willing to do this, help him out a bit even though being the new kid in the band leaves a lot to be desired in this kind of situation. Everyone is on Lee's side, as they should be.

Sheep finally notices somethings up about halfway back to the German mainland, gives Oli a questioning look as he wanders between the two groups they've split into.

“Everything okay?”

“Just peachy” Oli answers, “Wanna get back to where it's warm”

Sheep just nods, knows him well enough by now that he won't explain himself if he doesn't want to.

There's a cab waiting for them when they arrive, the five of them squishing together in the back seat with stern instructions from Sheep not to leave the hotel until he gets there and Oli doesn't thin any of them will because it's way too cold to be wandering the streets at any rate. It's the time hotel mini bars really come into their own.

Oli hits up his and Vegan's room first, pulling off his damp jeans and soaked shoes and socks, replacing them with a well worn pair of flannel pyjama pants and one of the many pairs of novelty cute-animal themed socks he just seems to accumulate wherever he goes. His jacket follows and he bundles himself into a double-lined hoodie, decides against a beanie. His hair is wet and he doesn't want it to dry frizzier than it already does.

He's nervous as he heads back out into the hotel corridor, starts walking towards Lee's room. He doesn't want to make things worse. Whenever he offends Matt he usually brings beer, and Vegan can be plied with pastry, neither of which he thinks will help, the latter probably an invitation to an ass-kicking.

He knocks first, clearing his throat before he speaks.

“Lee? It's me, open the door”

He really, really wants Lee to answer, give him a tiny sign that they can work this out easily but it doesn't happen, the door doesn't open and Lee doesn't answer. It's possible that he's not there, but unlikely. 

Oli reluctantly pulls the keycard from his pocket, slides it into the lock and pushes the door open.

“Lee?”

It's dead quiet as he closes the door behind him and he doesn't see Lee at first, both of the single beds empty and the bathroom door wide open until there's a flash of movement in the corner of his eye and he sees Lee in the corner furthest from him, knees to his chest and leaning his head against the wall.

“Lee” Oli murmurs, guilt gnawing at him because fuck, Lee's in a fucking corner because of him. He quickly steps across the room, dropping to his knees beside his best friend.

Lee looks at him with a well-guarded expression, the one he wears during interviews or when they're anywhere someone might be watching, a look it takes a lot of liquor to shake him out of in public. It hurts that he's using it now.

“I'm sorry” Oli says earnestly, “I swear I didn't meant for it to come out like that, I just wanted you to share with me that's all, like we used to, y'know?”

He knows far better than to try and lie to Lee, who's told him time and time again that he reads like an open, highlighted if not overly angsty book. 

“It's fine” Lee says quietly, “I know what you're like”

“No” Oli says, voice a little louder, “It's not fine, I was an asshole and you've every right to be angry, at least tell me off or hit me or something”

Lee shrugs, blue eyes so bright Oli could get lost in them like a solitary ship in the ocean, an island no ones ever been to before.

“It's hardly the worst thing that someone’s ever said” He says slowly, and no, that's not the point.

“That's not the point” Oli argues, “All those people aren't me, and I don't want to be like them even once, you have to yell at me”

“It's fine” Lee reiterates, “I know who I am”

Oli prefers angry Lee to this side of him, the side that's been downtrodden so far that he's tired of caring enough to care.

“I don't think you do” Oli says, “I don't think you get that me and everyone else likes you just as you are and all the people that don't are the biggest fucking knobs and we don't need them”

“You're beautiful okay, even if you don't know it” He continues and then, because Matt had played it on repeat every single morning of their American tour on an infinite loop Oli finds himself humming a few bars of the chorus to That's What Makes You Beautiful and he hates himself for it more than he hates the idea that he just told his best male friend that he's beautiful. To his face. It's not really a guys word, is it?

A tiny, tiny smile makes it's way onto Lee's lips.

“That fucking song” He whispers, “Fucking Matt”

“Fucking Matt.” Oli agrees, “Now, you have to tell me i'm an asshole”

Lee looks like he might refuse, but Oli stares him down. 

“Tell me”

“You're an asshole” Lee says dutifully.

“Again” Oli says, “Get angry about it”

“You're an asshole” Lee repeats with a little more force.

“Now tell me why” Oli prods, a fleeting thought that maybe he'd make a good therapist crossing his mind. This isn't so hard.

“Oli I-”

“Just say it” Oli pushes, “Stop hiding everything like you always do”

“You're an asshole” Lee says for a third time, a frown making it's way onto his face. “B-because you said that I was too fat to need an extra coat and, a-and” Lee's voice chokes off and he doesn't finish his sentence as he drops his head against his knees and lets out a shuddery sob and Oli is so not equipped to deal with this, never wanted to see Lee fucking cry.

“In front of everyone” Lee cries, voice muffled and Oli doesn't know what to do, has never been good with crying anybody, from when he'd broken up with girls to their fans to his mum, comfort never comes as instinctively to him as it does to Tom, who got all the good genes.

He'd make the worlds shittiest therapist, has opened a can of worms he's not sure he can fix. 

For someone who makes a living off of words his mind is blank right now, fuzzy like the ancient television set his father refuses to throw out. All that comes to mind to do is for him to crawl forward and pull Lee roughly into his arms, digging his fingers under Lee's elbows so he can wrap them around his waist, ignores the way Lee immediately starts to fight him, voice indignant even through his tears.

“Let me go!” He snarls, trying to wrench himself away but Oli keeps his grip, doesn't want to know what'll happen if he lets go, lets Lee run.

“I'm so fucking sorry” He says, wincing as Lee's hands dig into his arms, bitten-sharp nails biting even through his hoodie. “You have to believe I didn't mean it, i've just missed you and me and I know that I said a stupid thing that wasn't like what I meant at all”

Lee stills. “This is about you missing me?” He sounds rightfully incredulous. 

Oli tightens his grip around Lee's middle, swallows past the sudden lump in his throat. 

“Yeah” He says roughly, “It's like you're a million miles away sometimes”

“S-so calling me fat was how you thought you'd let me know?” Lee sniffles, hand coming up to wipe at his eyes and Oli can't look at him, he can't.

“Someone once called me a passive-aggressive twat” Oli replies, “and they were absolutely fucking right”

Lee subtly tries to wiggles out of his hold and Oli just uses his movement to his advantage to move both of them so Lee is practically in his lap, close enough that his head could rest against Oli chest if he wanted.

Oli kind of wants that. 

Lee starts to cry quietly again and shit, maybe he needs to call Matt or Vegan or Lee's mum or Tom or someone, anyone to tell him what to do, how not to fuck this up irreparably.

“Please don't hate me” He whispers, “I thought maybe you'd offer to share your jacket like we did back during 'Season, and when you didn't all I thought about was myself because i'm a selfish bastard”

The silence that follows is deafening, and Oli considers letting Lee go and running away himself.

“You promise?” Lee's voice is so tiny and Oli flashes back to when they were sixteen and he'd asked Lee to be in the band with him, the way Lee had looked up at him and asked the same exact thing when Oli has assured him that it didn't matter if he wasn't as tall or slight as the rest of them, that no one would care because he had the most excellent fringe and guitar skills as anyone else around, that he wanted him and no one else.

“I promise.” 

Oli shifts a hand and offers out a pinky finger to Lee, suddenly aware of how strangely bent it is, pale skin and bone prominent even against the black ink pattered across it.

Lee takes it.


End file.
